It’s always six weeks. Post operative six weeks. Post spinal I’m very nearly at six weeks. Back brace on like a corset. No lifting. Twisting. Driving. All I’d like to do is swim and drive, on my own.

First day back on a train today. London bound for an MRI. Knee. This has taken since March to fix. NHS has been not only unable to assist but actually very able to obstruct. By some miracle BUPA agreed to cover it. Perhaps the only body part of mine they will insure ! The imaging department at the hospital, UCLH, who did the spinal, couldn’t access the details on their very own patient portal. Indeed they wanted £250 up front just to look into the portal.

In the end I rang NEVRO. The medical devices company. UCLH had supplied the various pamphlets and a helpline number. I rang it. A human answered it. She was brilliant. Even although as she told me, UCLH doesn’t like patients talking to NEVRO. But, I protested, they give out the number. I explained. She listened. Hazzar eventually MRI has happened.

I arrived at The London Clinic. Yep it really calls itself TLC. I’d even got a text headed TLC which I’d assumed was a dodgy scam. Receptionists at these swanky places are particularly snooty. This was no exception. He was not so much rottweiler but ventriloquist. I gave him my name. He made no eye contact. Stared at his screen. Asked me again and again to spell my name as though I’d got it wrong. In time a voice to his right murmured …‘floor6’. Apparently that was for me not the patient in front of a receptionist to his right! . Bet they don’t treat the Royals like this.

Floor 6. Same rigmarole but eventually Mr Nevro arrived. Super nice. Agreed UCLH hate patients to speak. Bloody patients just get in the way. Mr Nevro. Checked impedance. Turned me off. Signed all off and to the pub he went. MRI successfully completed as in none of my metal parts stuck to the machine nor exited from me. I did point out they needed to watch me turn off the Medtronic and set it to MRI compatible mode. Just saying.

As I left I asked Mr Ventriloquist if I could have a word with the chief nurse. He sprang to life. Ushered me to some chairs offered tea coffee water …and in seconds Chief T had arrived. Bit like that film Pretty Woman. Actually I know the Chief and just thought I’d say hello. We had a good quick natter mainly about charitable funding and Americans.

and as I left, the ventriloquist tripped over himself opening doors and ushering me out.

Next up. The destination known as WMS. Mr Nephrology had wanted a blood test done before July. That was sorted with remarkable speed and efficiency surprisingly for UCLH. Ridiculous as it may seem I had actually had a blood test this week at home. The GP surgery appear to have been called out by the CQC for not having done any renal checks since pre Covid. Having not seen a human GP since then I’m not surprised.

Almost there! Six weeks of inactivity are finally coming to an end—thank goodness. I can’t wait to get moving again because the lack of exercise is seriously testing my sanity.

I’m back to normal action next week. Normal as in munching any bloody antibiotics, crunching clicking jaw, icing bloody knee and glaring at train passengers who play phones over speakers. No earphones.

Remember when the main irritation was being able to hear tinny noise leaking from headphones, and if you were the culprit, someone might actually ask you to turn the volume down? 2 hours and counting to get home but the worst bit so far has been the animal eating of the man eating a pastie opposite me. He also appears to have little concept of how a mobile phone works – who knew that continually shouting ‘hello’ , ‘hello’ when going through a tunnel will not connect a mobile to a signal

People have decided it’s fine to play whatever they like on phone or tablet or laptop speakers. In fact the man opposite me is talking to his boss on speaker so we all can hear

We all can also witness his lies about his whereabouts. Indeed smell his stonky cannabis too

My brother has warned me not to challenge. He says I’ll get stabbed. I’m tempted to do what I’ve witness him do. Hand over headphones for free!

Next week is busy. I’ll update …