My Dad used to tell a joke about one eye being higher than the other. I cannot remember the detail. Neither can he. But the punch line was ISIAH!

Having congratulated myself on having completed all appointments last week I had forgotten my 6.month check up at Moorfields Eye was this week.

10.00 appointment. Electronic check in. A la Ryanair. Screen told me I was 5 minutes too early for check in. Ffg. I wandered off… Came back. Checked in.

Got seen in visual fields at 11.00. That’s the stupid test where the patient stares at a dot and clicks when a light shines. I’ve done it so many times I’ve learnt to click randomly.

Then to consultants waiting room. A la Ryanair.. No seats no frills just snarling staff and exhausted patients .

Saw consultant at 13.00. I’m sure he’s very clever but he still hasn’t worked out how to log on to his computer. Can never find letters reports or scans. He decided to send me for CT. But he reiterated I don’t think you have a tumour! Great thanks alot. Confidence shattered. He insisted he needed MRI too but again couldn’t find the rep emails explaining the conditions for that… The implants mean head only! Ie fine for brain. I told him.. I showed him my letters. But no. he insisted he find his own. But couldn’t remember how to log on.

The consultant insisted blood test results were known before CT. . There followed a superb pantomine of lovely labrador recep ringing my gp. The shenanigans of long messages re press #1 for. #2 for. #3. #4… Crap etc.. Then crap music… She held her cool whilst signalling her boredom to (giggling) me. Eventually Rottweiler answered and demanded to speak to me, the patient. I passed her security interrogation. Name. DoB. She then insisted they had no blood test results for me. At all! FFS

by some brainwave I remembered I’d sent some blood test to Jerome. Found email. Gave phone to Recep who took it off to radiologist. By now it was 3.oo and I could have just laid on the floor to sleep. However, radiologist turned up, started to talk about contrast. Uh oh.. I’m allergic to contrast. Got over that. CT done without contrast. and eventually found a train home arhhhh….. See him again in 6 months. If I can be bothered.