….been a while since I spoke to you last.
It has been busy…I have spoken to so many Doctors, Nurses and Health Professionals Internationally and across the Nation…alas very few of my own consultants. To explain. I made a hasty decision in a fit of energy and healthfulness…well all 24 hours of it …to visit my brother in Toronto with a sub plot…to meet my youngest son, little 6’5”, G, returning from his travelling across South America since Christmas.
Well I went. UTI threatening…bunged in every bloody thing I could think of to fly 
across the Atlantic. Poured in the ….water…well a little champagne too…just a little…medicinal for sleep of course. Films:Hidden Numbers. Accountant. Hacksaw Ridge.
across the Atlantic. Poured in the ….water…well a little champagne too…just a little…medicinal for sleep of course. Films:Hidden Numbers. Accountant. Hacksaw Ridge.Fabulous brother and his fabulous Canadian wife met me. Waited on me hand and foot. Introduced the ‘whacky-but-nice’ neighbours. They were under strict instructions, from my brother, to wear costumes in his pool for the duration of my visit. She is a Psychic and firmly believes she met her present husband in a former life…as her son. As you do. He is a life insurance buyer upper…is that a profession? Er is it ethical? Anyway, they live in an ocd beautiful uncluttered house. She ‘does’ zen…but gets cross if he disturbs zen e.g. by shooting a crow from their kitchen window. as I can testify.I could go on. Reckon that special test for Spectrum Quotient would give him a score of 46 out 47. He loses a mark on account of the crow shoot!
Met G, as he staggered off his flight. Whooop. So exciting. So many adventures to relate. So many hairy face photos, blonde hair and sheer happiness. Brilliant.vicariously brilliant.
Doctors..? aha…well, felt bit crap in Toronto . Tried to pretend it was jet lag. Took some other antibiotics, I so happened to have on me! Woke at night in a lather of coughing and breathing and so so hot…Wonderful sister-in-law happens to have a nurse daughter who manages the one and ONLY private clinic in Toronto. Lucky me. Appointment fixed. Seen by the ever so formal white coated Dr B. Quick check-up. Quick diagnosis. Radiology lady turned a whiter shade of pale when she read my x-rays…I had forgotten to tell them about the metal bits. So sorry I wheezed. I am actually bionic. Should have told you. OOPs….
Anyhow, bronchitus pneumonia asthma…pharmacy…more antibios, steroids, puffers…you name it I had it. Bloody brilliant and back in time to be wined and dined. Pizza oven outside to the fore. Little G and my brother sorted everything. Oh, must tell you the pharmacy uses gizmo to tell you drugs ready. It is like those ones in posh restaurants with huge queues…it vibrates when its ready. Good job bionic bladder not working at the moment…I think it might have got mixed messages ..or oops moment.
Dr B,who looked like Robin Williams, in that Patch Adams film, was careful to explain I could be seen at the ‘Public ‘hospital but that I would have to pay by credit card up front. Not a lot different from his clinic. So I stayed. He did make me promise to go to the ED if any worse or no better. But politely reminded me of the charges once more. Interesting that. Bet we don’t insist on credit cards here. But then what happens if you are ill cannot pay and maybe won’t pay…mmmm freee at the point of delivery ? and hippocratic oath and all that…?
So got back to UK. Full of antibiotics, bladder seemed to like that massive cocktail.
Appointment with Dr Uncle V. He suggested various bladder potions. He also recommended vodka, steroid inhalers codeine, antihistamine… and 3 days sleep for the cough ! Henceforth he is Vodka V.
Meanwhile, my bionic bladder battery which you may recall I hit in Cornwall. Is still not working. In fact it sends hot pains down my hip…a strange sensation and methinks the bladder is not actually in that bit… Doh. Dipstick has inserted a clever chip into his brain, his phone, his emails and now his secretaries’ brains to delete, erase and ignore all contact details, calls, emails, messages and letters from me. So I still have no appointment no bionic bladder and, now I have ANOTHER bladder infection. Oh well…he always does say ‘ you know how to get hold of me…just call…’ Dipstick-Don’t-Bother. I will patent his name along with the clever chip.
I was grappling with this situation when my phone rang . Cutting a long story short. Mother- in- law was ill. Carer was worried. I suggested GP call out. For some unfathomable reason that was not possible. Carer half carried her into the GP in the middle- of -nowhere- Scotland -on -sea.
GP was ‘wonderful’ according to my Ma- in- Law. ‘ Dreadful’ according to her minder sorry, carer. I listened to both versions of events. I did not like what I heard. Essentially he had sent an 84 year old frail lady home. ‘ Your lungs are knackered…nothing I can do…go home…cut down fluids…blahh blahh…’
Look, I am no doctor but even I know that a normally mentally alert old lady, who over the period of 3 days has become unable to walk unaided, is drowsy, confused and coughing like a trooper is not well. In fact perhaps she has a chest infection. Bladder infection. Heart maybe and perhaps needs some kind of medicine. Or do we just send her home to get worse and worse til she just slips away in pain and suffering? That is totally hippo cock and bull crap.
On my suggestion of A and E, Carer said to me : ‘hospital will not take in the elderly for fear of bed blocking” That is also hippo crap cock and bull utter bollocks . EVEN in Scotland. I blame the Daily Mail for making people think this is reality.
Well…the red mist descended. I was not going to let this old lady fade away without at least some comfort, support and perhaps a little antibiotic. 5000 phone calls and 12 hours later…the utterly awesome brilliant lovely amazing empathetic Consultant Lady at the NHS Scotland Hospital had agreed with my amateur opinion. Had spoken ‘firmly’ to Cock and Bull GP. Had rung me back several times. She admitted , the old lady to her local NHS hospital in fact into a BED. 
D and his brother had abandoned their busy desks and had sped up to Scotland to their mother. Guess what? She has a chest infection. She has a bladder infection. She has some lung issues on scan. Heart being checked out. She is dosed up, tested up, scanned up and much more comfortable, lucid and in fact keen to get home and OUT of her hospital bed. She is NOT a bed blocker. GP rang to tell me she was being admitted. REALLY? Well I never. I did tell him Consultant had beaten him to it. Let’s call him,McHaggis. Well GP-McHaggis rang me yet again, assuring me of his surgery’s ability to help and support. Assuring me they have Marie Curie nurses on hand who can go in to assist AT HOME. …just ring me he said…you know how to get hold of me……Let me know whayou need for your mother in law I will fix it…mmmm I have heard that crap talk before.
D and his brother had abandoned their busy desks and had sped up to Scotland to their mother. Guess what? She has a chest infection. She has a bladder infection. She has some lung issues on scan. Heart being checked out. She is dosed up, tested up, scanned up and much more comfortable, lucid and in fact keen to get home and OUT of her hospital bed. She is NOT a bed blocker. GP rang to tell me she was being admitted. REALLY? Well I never. I did tell him Consultant had beaten him to it. Let’s call him,McHaggis. Well GP-McHaggis rang me yet again, assuring me of his surgery’s ability to help and support. Assuring me they have Marie Curie nurses on hand who can go in to assist AT HOME. …just ring me he said…you know how to get hold of me……Let me know whayou need for your mother in law I will fix it…mmmm I have heard that crap talk before.
Arghhh … My mobile is ringing and so is the landline…better go…frrr…bloody better not be any other relatives in trouble….beware health professionals everywhere I am so NOT in the mood for you.. I am just nervous that the men in white coats might take me away.. .or was that in my before life? arghghghghhghgh
Daily Stent. I cannot cure you but I can make you laugh (citation Jerome) 
Email Commentary: Your blogs are inspiring and so funny. Hope Granny is settled again and no other major dramas apart from your constant plumbing problems. CJC
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Good and not so good to hear all this. Hope you are back safely. Health services in Canada sound a lot better than here.And imagine you fixing your Mother in law by remote control diagnosis and telling them what to do. Hope you are ok. xx N
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‘S truth Jacq! How many cocks,bulls ,f.wits and f.ups in how many countries can one girl clock up in one lifetime!! Sadly too too many. U ARE AND ALWAYS HAVE BEEN AN UNIQUE AND AWESOME STAR. Xxx J
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Just a day at the office…! Act normal act normal.
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Wow Jacq, I didn’t realise as usual that you had been through so much again…. you always keep so quiet about how many doses of millions of drugs you are on to keep you smiling and the life and soul of the Yellow Cardies – take care keep getting better (over and over again) as the next dose of whatever bug is thrown at you…. This made me laugh! Love S x
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email from DH: Bloody hell. Really?? There’s me thinking you had a restful holiday in Canada. Appreciate it isn’t the sort of story you can reel off in five minutes but am so sorry to hear all that – then the MiL as well. Thank god she has you. Thank god we all do! So so sorry to bother you with trite fabric dramas.
But hey, you’ll have beautiful windows! Xx
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The best blog ever! I’ve been entertained,amused, made angry, felt untold sympathy and finally bucket loads of admiration.
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