I cannot explain why writing this blog somehow helps. But it does. Brain download. Logical ness restored ?…dunno about that. 

So after having appointments in my calendar every day this week with with: Surgeon 1 or a Surgeon 2 or radiography. Or even Surgeon 3.  Oh and the dentist too…we  think anaesthetist bashed tooth in the op!   Confusion reigned for awhile. I couldn’t quite remember who where what but it turned out neither did anyone else and a ‘diary’ clash occurred. Nuttier than usual surgeon to blame. He needs a PA or like MPs an assistant constantly at his side.  Thrusting correct notes, calendars, forms ( prefilled-in…..) at him and mopping tears of frustration in his wake.

Anyhow Jerome to the rescue once more. Order restored. Logical plan in place.

Early train. Arrived at Surgeon  place of work… 8:03
Top tip: see previous blogs leave station via hotel. Visit loveliest toilets in London. Exit via reception. Porter whistles up a cab from Marylebone Rd. marvellous. No queues and speedy boarding. Done that a few times in the last few emergency weeks…reckon the staff think I’m a long stay guest!! ‘Hello’ ….’ Good morning…’…’nice day ‘…… get there 3 minutes late. Ushered to waiting area. Seats in there look lovely but dam uncomfortable with sore back. Assume usual standing pose by water thingy.  Surgeon calls patient. A fellow patient stands up. Oops was in fact me, some confusion as I seem to be Wearing my invisibility cloak again, often happens in hospitals, I leap out like a demented Hogwort and identify myself to surgeon . Quick consultation in his room. I’m such an idiot after all this time you’d think I’d have learnt?  Ask your list of questions. …. Reduce uncertainty. All I managed was a reminder for blood results taken last week.  Prompted shuffling of papers on desk.  ‘ Hb down still, kidney too, mmmmm should pick up with healthy diet’……then pathetically I allow myself to be ushered downstairs to Amazing Nurse. Aha she says’ I recognise you’Eek. ‘ heard you speak …fewweeks ago ..Battersea Continence Conference….’.oops. Anyhow between us we devise a plan for the morning as truthfully as we admit to each other we actually have no idea what we are meant to be doing.
Cutting long story short.  Gulp coffee and water. Begin race with great man in his seventies..he told me his story .. Brave brilliant man…we both held our special sandwich bags. ‘Oh I see you and I have the same lunch today ‘ I said.   He looked slightly oddly at me and suddenly the lightbulb moment ……. Lunch? Sandwich? Well no, pee measuring jug-in-bag bag. Discretion, dignity for patient …cover up the other patients embarrassment ? Pee in jug in sandwich bag…giggled about that. Well giggled about everything really. We pretended the water was a G and T and he changed that to a cold white wine ……Anyhow we did our best. Giggled at pomegranate sculpture NO we did not attempt to pour…..shhh never mind….. Got called downstairs to ‘procedures’ by Surgeon and or Amazing  Nurse and or Radiog for measurements of voids, residuals, scans giggles blah blah….every so often. My new friend then legged it…not sure how he escaped. I got put in detention as amazing nurse couldn’t get blooming supra pubic cath out. Surgeon summoned once more. With a mighty tug he did the necessary, asked if anyone ( me? ) could see to the dressing, as no one seemed to move ( ESP me) he generously suggested he could possibly do it himself even though he’s a surgeon?!! Pathetically again I smiled wanly ( is that the right adverb?)….and off he went as I waved goodbye. Hang on I said to his disappearing back…do I need antibiotics?….’oh yes ‘ he said.  ‘Has that been organised?’   Hell,  as if? Like who would know? Me? Was I meant to do that?
So top tip 2 make sure you get antibiotics to take home after catheter taken out. Indeed I did, once amazing nurse was alerted.

Remembering my list of questions I manage….a n other

‘ can I drive’? I yell over the curtain…. ‘Yes’ says Surgeon from somewhere ….great in that case I will.
Amazing nurse returns. We devise a going home strategy. She gives me phone in number. Also says just ring Surgeon… Don’t worry about it. No question too silly. Or ring her first and she will forward! Good plan. Write a diary she says. Get into a routine. Ok ok … Here we go..I can do this… I know what I am doing…oooooh

…off to St P once more. Meet L Soup and celebratory roll with coffee and glass of …water.

Top tip 3: Don’t drink coffee water and soup straight after catheter removed …. Especially having downed pints in ‘procedures’ or ‘waiting room’ all morning. Or take a change of clothes. Nearly oops moment (s). Clear need for care and caution.

Nip into Fand M for a few small chocs for the huge team of wonderful ness who’ve taken it upon themselves to take care of my every need back home.

On to train. Top tip 4: Sit near 1st to get free wifi or if no seats sit in 1st and upgrade.

Top tip 5: IF you leave your newly acquired chocs in the smart F&M bag on the train by mistake. Ring lost property and charming man will try to retrieve. oooooooer fingers crossed. Dammit. WHATAMILIKE ? frrrrr

Top tip 6: when getting into cab at home- station duck down. Crashing biff on head on door frame..nearly finished me off!
So, I’m Back in Bed…ford …more news soon…I should be thrilled at the fast paced rate of progress. But actually even I, am petrified. and I am tough.

PS

Just seen my retired doc friend M. She’s been chatting to colleagues made them laugh apparently describing the moment I had to ask nice radiologist to stop telling me how he was going to inject dye into my bladder. See previous entries. I had to stop his gentle explanation with. I’m so sorry I’m only the patient but I really will have to explain to YOU what you need to do. He was ever so nice. ‘ I’m sorry the referral just has three words on it  ‘blood in urine’ so a cystogram seems a bit extreme.  Tell me your story.’ He asked. 

Blimey how long have you got? I thought. But I fact gave him a potted account of the last year or so. not least the revelation that in fact I had a supra pubic! So the whole procedure equipment etc had to be changed. Poor bloke thought he had a quiet morning.  Things got worse when his x rays revealed missing kidney ( forgot to tell him that) also the clear outline of SNS … ( forgot to tell him that too)…glossed over the gall bladder bit…and never did explain the metal pins in spine! Oh dear. Then a scrabble around for new leg bag.  He was utterly charming about it all and admitted he had not yet got used to ‘economy of words type surgeon’ …. I better not tell him he never ever will.

Which leads me to an NHS England EICC phone call I had yesterday. Talked about the latest draft etc. When I’d finished the NHS senior nurse at the other end asked: ‘ are you a clinician ?’ . To which I could only reply: ‘ hell no, I am only a patient’.