Here we are it’s 2022. Tired nay exhausted breathless and determined. Even Jerome. I told him bladder was crap he blamed #brexit and said everything is a shit show and not sure that anything could be an improvement. He must be exhausted . How on earth can the NHS keep up any momentum. Everyone seems to have had a tense Christmas. #LFT #PCR and #FFS being the acronyms of (no) choice.
We were no exception. Indeed it was only early on 24th that I realised some of the family would be covid-free and able to come. That found me at the fishmongers in my pj’s at 7:00 am. The time the wonderful shop had advised for no queue if I wasn’t sure what I’d need. I’d suggested pyjamas when we discussed it weeks before. They were delighted to see I’d kept my promise. The butchers meanwhile brought a turkey. Actually owing to a mix up brought two so we sent one back! Boxing Day to tears of LFT positive tests the family dispersed quickly. At which point with a fridge full of cold salmon cold turkey and more cheese than a ski resort. Well actually the ski resorts were shut due to covid. Anyway. I then got the covid. That meant weekly phone calls from Mr Respiratory, daily texts from his awesome secretary. Who is the perfect example of how a few seconds of texts can make the most massive of difference between wasting time and making clear decisions Tons more nebulisers, puffers, steroids and swelling up like an effing balloon I’m beginning to feel like a wheezy Michelin man. I guess we need to say # Michelinperson. Mr Respiratory actually wanted me to go to our local AandE. I resisted and somehow got breathing under control.
Not wanting to be left out bladder started to whinge. In the absence of MSU tests. GP totally unhelpful. Private lab is double charging me so I can’t do that. But the infamous outpatient anti microbial clinic #OPAT may come to the rescue. . IV maybe possibly via line in which I can do at home.
Further chaos as the GP is refusing to prescribe gent. The antibiotic for bladder wash outs which have saved me in many an occasion.
As I waited in #OPAT. This the dingy clinic whose entrance kiosk is called Freedom. For all the doms imaginable next to the #STD clinic downstairs. Clearly covid has put a stop to that. It’s shut!
Waiting upstairs for some decisions a lovely nurse came to whisper to me. ‘ what sort of catheter do you have’ I explained it was #CISC as in disposable. Sheclearly had never heard of this. Insisted I must have a bag. Nono I replied and to the amusement of the other patients pulled out of my … rucksack bag, a disposable catheter. Opened it and as best I could explained it without actually doing it! She went off wiser and kind enough to say so. It adds weight to my campaign for basic bladder education for all medics. This is currently not mandatory in deaneries/ medical students nurses or anywhere actually. but best of all a man two seats away called over. ‘ Mine is bigger than yours’ he said as he produced a long male catheter. We entertained the patients ( no these are not urological ones here. Usually malaria and tropical diseases !) We chatted about the lack of acceptable toilets planes and trains. I showed him my train –catheter bag thing. Told him about the Bins-for-Boys project. To get bins in mens toilets. He told me if he spends too long ina men’s cubicle someone starts hammering on the door. I explained that is not the case in ladies toilets. All in all an awareness spreading conversation. I gave him my email for more info. I was then invited to write a protocol with photos for the gent ( if I ever get it). Dr OPAT says the Urology clinic is writing one. But they need photos. And apparently I’m the exemplar patient. Mmm
That’d be great if gps didn’t arbitrarily stop the hospital-advised pathway wouldn’t it?
The GP surgery will only take calls at8:00 am. Miss that and you have to try again next day, or if you do not get through do an #e-consult which sends you to #AE at the slightest hint of health concerns however minor. No wonder the NHS is under pressure. Taking maybe say a verruca to emergency departments must take up valuable resources.

Then to add a bit of humour to the week I joined Dipstick, GOD of all surgeons and others on a remote call. GOD as in, and I quote ‘most surgeons think they are good surgeons. I KNOW I’m a good surgeon’
Dip was late. He Couldn’t fathom the technology, called me the wrong name and generally caused chaos. Whilst he was being dealt with, GOD and I chatted about ukeles. As you do. He’s offered to come round here for a gig or is it it a jam? Anyway I told him I was as crap as my bladder. That caused laughter. Dip duly restored to screen, started whining that he wanted his supper. In a deft distraction therapy GOD interrupted him by saying ‘WowDip. I didn’t know you could read. You’ve got lots of books on the shelves behind your camera’ To his credit Dip replied ” Oh. They are only Enid Blyton. “

Trouble is I’m never sure if he’s being serious or joking?!

# MSU mid stream urine

# CISC clean intermittent self catheterisation

# PCR noodeawhat that stands for. Covid test.

# LFT lateral flow tickle your nose but some your throat too test

# OPAT Out Patients Antimicrobial clinic dunno what T is for. May be Tropical Diseases as that’s there too. But it’s not STD because FREEDOM is closed