My favourite children’s book is the Tiger Who Came to Tea. By the late Judith Kerr. It ends with the Dad saying, with a flourish ‘ TO THE CAFÉ… and off they go, pyjamas and all! I worked in a café last week.

… When I say ‘worked’ I mean virtual meetings… not waitressing. In fact I joined Alchemist and team by zoom, on Monday. For various reasons, not least the fact that I was in no- phone- signal-on-sea, ie Cornwall. I had to find a cafe with wifi to join. Not a problem. I just didn’t think Pilates by zoom in a café would work. Nor consultation appointments! Even 2 m apart.

As I have become accustomed, over the years, I am able to empty bladder via suprapubic catheter with ease. Even roadside. Thus avoiding service stations. Also on beaches… Monday being a rainy day, I just discretely opened the valve on the beach and went into the café . I hung my dripping wet coat over my chair, enjoyed a coffee and off we zoomed. Alas, as I talked I realised the rain dripping from my coat was in fact added to by my emptying bladder…filling one boot and adding to the puddle on the floor. Oops. I had not turned the valve to ‘off’. As discretely as I could, I fumbled through my jeans. ( In previous years I’ve cut a hole in my pocket for this.) I turned it off and shuffled an armchair nearer to cover the puddle, trying to make it look like I was fixated on the meeting. At the end of the call I tidied up. Checked the puddle situation. Paid for my coffees and squelched out. OK so what would YOU do?

Tuesday, I had to join another zoom. Carefully checking valve off. I sat at the same table . Only to find the armchair had been removed. No one would ever have thought that Monday was anything other than rain and perhaps a dog pee puddle. I hope! Yes, dogs are welcome at this particular coffee café especially wet ones!

I did however kind of fly over my ‘office’ space to help a poor mum who was frantically trying to strip her baby off. He had put his hand in her coffee. Grabbing a mask ( how the hell has that become instinct?). I helped strip him and yelled at a waiter to bring water and ice. You know what ? that baby did not even cry. He just looked bewildered. Well not as bewildered as his Dad and the other customers who sat there not moving, looking on in shock. For a fleeting moment I wondered if ‘me valves’ had flipped again!

Meanwhile, the suprapubic is providing much needed relief. Although the Nephrology ( kidney ) surgeon who called for his clinic appointment. In fact I waited an hour in a lay-by for that call. He pointed out that ‘Urology should bring the April 2021 appointment forward and sort the bladder implant’.
Jerome agreed. The best strategy is to fix the problem. It is of course rarely followed in these covid days..

Dam I was trying not to mention the C word.

Meanwhile Jerome asked how the SPC was. We swapped texts on strategies. Indeed I was able to tell him how much better for sleep the SPC is proving to be. ‘ Sleep‘ he texted ‘ the second best medicine after laughter‘

I added gin to the recommendation. Maybe 1.5 gin to help both was the reply.

‘Champagne? I queried.

‘Always‘ he replied.
God if only all consultations went like this!
Meanwhile some poor Urology manager had been trying to get hold of me. He had sensibly emailed instead with a number to call. Once back in phone signal land, I rang him. He seemed nice enough, probably about 12 years old, and he wondered what was happening about my SNS ( bladder implant). That, I said is a really good question. The answer I, is ‘ I do not know’. Apparently Nephrology had suggested April 2o21 is somewhat unacceptably late for a next appointment. I’m guessing he is having to make many such calls, appointments, or lack of them at the moment let alone cancelled or undated procedures. What a nightmare. It seems to me the ‘managers’ might be best served listening to their esteemed consultants to come up with a plan that allows the medics to make the right decisions and see and discharge patients based on professional opinion, supported by an infrastructure that makes that work. Rather than adapting their work to suit the infrastructure. Just saying.