In the absence of the reliable Jerome and unreliable Dipstick I had taken an msu to Rottweiler guarded GP. Using nice GP’s ‘form’. That was 11th Sept.

Nice GP can sometimes break Rottweiler grip on results . He has been known to text me the results against all Rottweiler laws of patient indifference.

That was Sept 11th. No text. I’ve tried ringing several times. It takes so long to get past the robotic (un) welcome phone message that by the time the inane music comes on you’ve forgotten which button to press and indeed what you were ringing for in the first place.

Eventually I managed to speak to a Rottweiler….

You haven’t sent in an msu

I HAVE

A label was created by a nurse on Sept 11th

Well that sounds like it. Could you ask the nurse to look up the result.

She’s not in til this afternoon.

That’s OK.

Have you got an infection?

Since 11th Sept I have been symptomatic but I need the results.

Ah. You need a doctor

No. I need the results please.

And so it went on.

Indeed some doctor I’d never heard of left a message on my phone to ring the surgery.

I couldn’t straight away as I was on a long conference call. Ironically with NHS ExcellenceInContinenceCare Board.!!

When I did manage to get through the convoluted phone system the Rottweiler said.

I can see on the system that a doctor is IN your notes. They must be ringing you now. Please hang up to receive the call.

I did.

They didn’t!

So Saturday again and no further forward. No wonder people go to A and E for sore toes or more. The GP gatekeepers are ensuring patients have to get help elsewhere.

But I’m not going to Aand E.

I will think of something.

Hopeless.