It probably comes as no surprise to you that my silence means another hospital episode.    I last wrote of my erupting bladder as I attempted to get home after the change of suprapubic and the stonky loo in Carluccio.  A few hours later, Son 1 became proud father. We were so excited. Forgot the bladder , well, actually I grabbed every antibiotic in my possession swallowed what seemed sensible and rushed to meet the tiny newest member of our family. Sheer joy. Even although bladder and valve leaked all over their kitchen floor. We cleared up quick borrowed more jeans too! argh. 

You will remember that Jerome had sent off an msu last Friday. stick a finger in that an earlier msu had festered in someone’s bag for a while and so could not be used.  As we made our way home from happy new family my phone pinged with a message from Jerome.  Poop. The drastic measures I had been taking to try to keep bladder in check, were to no avail. The bug was resistant to those and only iv would do. Of course I kind of knew that anyway. 

Perchance I had an appointment with Dipstick. So it was in fact he who saw me, was so nice and kind and empathetic and sent me to hospital .   Hospital was the one I had previously mentioned. Psycho-nurse- in -the -night, missed drugs etc etc.  Well in the 20 minutes it took me to get there in a cab. ( Uber got lost so I flagged down a black cab in the pouring rain). they must have dashed around like the proverbial blue arsed. …Shit. She is coming back.

Reception knew I was coming. Whisked me straight to the lift. I was met and looked after and hugged by all the top senior staff. That made me cry. Drugs went in. Everyone knew what was needed when and how. Duty matron even brought me tea. TEA? At midnight to while away the time until the next iv went in.  Morning dawned I was feeling the pewkiness of massive antibiotics, lack of sleep and all over rubbish. Who should bounce in? None other than Jerome.  Dispensing humour and care and a distracting book:

Humans – a brief history of how we f***** it all up.

This book explains so many historical disasters and the story of the Chinese locusts we mentioned the week before . Thank you Jerome.   How does he even remember?

Dipstick managed to visit too he was still being nice. Still being organised.   

By Saturday I had had so many fabulous friends and family to visit, my room could be turned into a grape shop.

Jerome was there to look after me on Saturday on account of Dipstick needing to take his wife to Ascot. Well at least he had told us that. He had in fact grumbled at the cost and the fact he would have to wear something smart. I had asked him to place me a bet. He could only manage 50p he said!

  Jerome chatted about locusts, leaded fuel and stuff. of course! See the brilliant book. But also he checked all my medicals and together we formed a plan:

1. take the suprapubic out.   

Not long after that, nice nurse looking after me came to check the plan. She assembled her trolley. Sorted her gloves and started on the supra pubic. With a bit of tug …another tug…it would not come out. She was worried. Talked about calling the Duty Doctor. I did not fancy that idea.

So I said I would try Jerome. To my infinite relief he picked up immediately and, although he had left the building could be back in minutes. Nobody move he said. ….So Lovely nurse and I chatted, in a scene reminiscent of the previous Friday. But I did not quite think China and locusts was something I could explain.    Jerome arrived grinning, re-organised the trolley, nice nurse, gloves,gel stuff, ….. chattering away…without me even realising he got the suprapubic out. Held it aloft to show us the balloon bit that had caught. Gawd I honestly could not see what he meant. But nodded with relief.    Tidying up and sticking over the hole …he bade farewell once more.   

Sunday. Dipstick never did turn up. He had said he might not make it. That he might ring. So by the end of theday shift, the call came through leaving the staff and I in big confusion. He thought I should be discharged Monday. Hurrah. But we knew that microbiology were querying that. He promised to ring them in the morning.   

Monday. Discharge day. The duty doctor came to explain that she had been ringing Dip all morning to no avail. He had not rung Microbiology. In fact Microbiology reckoned I should stay for more iv. Duty doctor thought she might be able to organise a home care package. I had my doubts but it sounded great.    But we needed Dipstick to decide.    I tried ringing him. Texting him. No response. I even texted Jerome knowing they were both at the same conference. He tried too.   

A brief summary of how it was nearly all f***** up:

we waited…we tried not to get annoyed…the duty doctor explained…the nurses explained…the senior staff explained…D arrived expecting to take me home…..eventually….

Hours later Dip rang. He was not happy with the plan. He rang microbiology himself. At last! They managed to suggest another antibiotic that I could take orally. ie at home.   

After more waiting. Discharge letter. Pharmacy. God why does pharmacy always take so long? We left. Taxi. Train. Taxi. Home….   Oh my days so lovely to be home. Pewky antibiotics aside… it is brill.    And now we wait…surely this is on the up.  Everyone was so nice so solicitous. OK Dippy went awol. But only a bit and he was nice.   Now….can we just turn things around to reverse my history of how we f***** it all up ?