I was just putting pen to paper as it were to explain this week’s Rottweiler incident when my awesome Patsy rang. She trumped my story with hers…so here goes.

Some years ago when GPs had waiting rooms but not pre booked appointments the receptionists would do initial triage or assessment.

On this particular occasion Patsy was waiting and a man arrived clearly in distress asking for an appointment. True to stereotype, Rottweiler asked him what he needed an appointment for. O fcourse the whole waiting room listened in.

After some discussion he simply unzipped his flies and showed her the problem.

He was seen quickly! He also apologised to the assembled patients. “Well she did ask!’

Not any where near matching that story I wasted hours this week trying to get through to our new enhanced merged surgery.

I in fact did not know about this merger because the letter which explained it was occurring was addressed to husband D ..the head of the household. Clearly equality has not hit the NHS. sorry Emily Pankhurst..

Anyhow eventually I got through. It seems there are no online appointment bookings. Making phone appointments can only be done 1 week in advance. Backwards step.

So this is what happened. .when I rang the Rottweiler.

I asked for an appointment with my own doctor.

That proved impossible. Apparently only bookings 7 days ahead are allowed. So the 18th was offered.

Sorry I cannot do the 18th I said.

Oh was the reply you will have to ring tomorrow for the 19th the next day for the 20th etc etc..seven days in advance only no online bookings…blah blah…’

OK I’ll try a phone appointment then…no that to,was disallowed.

‘ seven days in advance only no online bookings…blah blah…’

I can offer you the 18th.

ICANNOT DO THE 18th

OK how about I need ANY doctor to speak to me today. I asked through gritted teeth…

Ah well that is allowed but only if it’s an emergency was the reply.

Well it is ...Said I! At this rate my rising blood pressure would make it an emergency.

What kind of emergency? I need more details.

Allergic reaction ( to you!) I did not say

I have to give more details what is it you are experiencing….?

Losing my blob I replied

I’m having an allergic reaction to ALL the drugs I am on.

That did the trick !

A doctor will call you within two hours. The number to call you on is 01908542120.

NO that is not my number. I’ve no idea what that number is.

She insisted it was. Eventually I persuaded her to take my real number.

Some sundry doctor I had never heard of and who hadn’t even read his screen for my notes did ring, within an hour.

When I explained he said. You really need to see your usual doctor. I’ll make you an appointment. How about tomorrow!

DONE said I. ARGHHHHH

A little bit later my own GP rang. He needed to ask me about some other clinic letter he’d just received. J he said…are you trying to break our new appointment system ? Yes I said I am. But I’ll see you tomorrow to explain!

Addendum.

The new Health Secretary is called a Matt Woodcock. Urologists will be having a field day with that.

In addition Max Hastings in the Times 10.7.18 wrote a brilliant piece on Boris Johnson. The advice he gave his erstwhile employee when he was considering mayoralty post….. Max Hastings said… I thought he could win and might do the job well. He asked if I had any advice. Yes, I said: “Lock up your willy.” He proved a terrific showman for London, especially during the 2012 Olympics, but was notably less impressive on the tough bits — managing budgets and challenging the Tube unions.

Just saying.