Minority Report

Hello. As I write I’m lying on a hospital bed. Don’t panic. All ok.

My spinal implant is not working.

I rang the special Hospital number for bionic patients. That was last week.

last week. Messaging machine told me I should get a response within 7 days or ring again ‘ in case the message had been mislaid’!?

I tried the special email too. That auto reply said I should get a response from the ‘team’ within 5 working days. If not ring the aforementioned number. Sensing this endless loop was loopy I braved up and …

I tried the lovely rep’s secret number. She replied immediately. She’s left the company but the London rep would be in touch. He was. He organised . He had me in here within 12 hours. I cancelled today’s maths and awesome Patsy who is visiting is holding the home front. I’m hoping she will be updating me on Elise Christie at the Winter Olympics. Or maybe best not know.

So, I was even expected here by the jolly receptionist. I was quickly ushered into this room in a dark basement along the Euston Road. And my bionics are being sorted as I type. The lights are on an NHS eco setting so they’ve automatically turned off and I don’t have the encoder to turn them back on. Hence iPad in use!There is even

a very groovy ceiling light auto  thing to stare at through the darkness. It could be a sky above a beach somewhere . Can’t find Tom Cruise yet but he’s probably on a pre crime program chip trip.