To continue Mon Oncle or Monsieur Hulot . That train station scene ..wrong platform, wrong train, wrong time…place..!

It’s NHS week for me.

Monday . ( Eyes) Pre op assessment.

I arrived on time . Clocked in.

Wandered about . Read all the notices which were thoughtfully in LARGE print. So now I know I must alert staff if I’m concerned about the presence of therapy dogs in clinic ( you couldn’t make it up).

Eventually, I was called to see the ‘weights and measures’ nurse. She did explain that they’d hoped to cancel the clinic because of staff shortages. I made sure I looked suitably grateful they had not.

Eventually get shown to the real eye nurse person. Scans. Measures. Eyesight. She explained that staff shortages were extreme. A death, An itu ill, ie staff …not ‘malingering ‘ as she put it.

That little piece of info made all the difference.

‘Blimey how d’ you cope with that on a Monday morning in a full clinic?’ I asked.

‘ I just smile’, she replied.

We ended up best of friends. Me even extolling the virtues of my awesome spinal implant . She’s got neck stuff to cope with. We laughed together. We agreed to update each other!

Tuesday, check up day for said spinal implant. Usually a good appointment. Rep and I get most of the programming sorted and leave the clinic team to tick the boxes.

In an attempt to be a normal working person I managed to rejig lessons around dashing for trains and back. My appointment was 15:15. I was standing in the bloody nattering receptionist queue at 15:09. Eventually I get clocked in. Go to the clinic. No- one around, so I so nipped to loo. Careful bladder careful don’t bugger this up, its not bladder appointment.  I wandered about reading boring notices. A nurse arrived . ‘ Oh we thought you weren’t coming’. I tried to explain. Indeed I should have explained I had rung to try to change the appointment when I realised it was going to be a tricky week. On that call I was told the next available slot was January, as in…. next year. I did not change it. The person the phone did say, don’t worry if you are a bit late. I said trains and work allowing I would get there. This nurse was having none of it. It is 15…..27 he said But but I said, I was in the building at 15.08 and waiting upstairs…..argghghghg.

Not a good start. I’d bloody broken world records to get there.

A Rep from the implant company was there in the consulting room. At least I think it was. Never seen this one before. No name. Just the programming machine. Which she silently fiddled with.

So Mr Nurse asked his stupid questions. I answered without adjectives. I’ve found that to be quicker in the past.

Any problems? No

Any drugs? No thanks.

Any pain? The usual.

NB this IS a pain clinic!

Goodness knows what his notes say! BAP? Bloody Annoying Patient. BAPS Bloody Annoying PatientS.

I did explain the need to combine the implant P1 and P2 to be P3. You see I’ve done this a while now. It’s called SELF MANAGING.

Mr Nurse looked surprised when I announced ‘ right that’s great I can go now’ . His handwritten boring notes took a slide to the end.

I did remember to ask, Please could he tell the chief pain team nurse that I was jolly grateful to receive 6 identical letters inviting me to her four -bloody -hour -group -therapy session. But please could I decline. You see, as I explained to him. I’d have to take another whole day off, AND I find it too depressing. The other patients hate the implants they’ve been given. They are sky high on morphine. When they are not crying they are asleep. I can’t help them. They can’t help me. I LOVE my implant. Yes it takes an hour to charge every day. Yes it’s awkward. But it WORKS. Let’s thank NHS for this expensive bit of kit.

But as D says. We are meant to be ready at the drop of a hat any time, any day, cancel work for a precious appointment. For a precious procedure. Put your life on hold. Woe betide you if you are late, or even a teeny bit just on time. The nurse with POWER will crazily moan at you.

Speed back to train. Just miss one by 30 seconds. Train crew obstinately locked the doors despite we passengers on the platform. POWER CRAZE.

Get next one and speed into my ‘ pretend -I’m -a teacher ‘ meeting. Just as it ends!

Eventually get home .

It’s only Tuesday. Rest of the week to come.

There’s a Mr Hulot scene that springs to mind. He’s on holiday. He just carries on despite the chaos he causes ! …… Monsieur Hulot