So here we are again. The screaming hilarious laugh a minute Health Show.

Urodynamics today. Hate bloody urodynamics but it was at a different place. Trying to avoid the awfulness of the past, fifty shades nightmare.

To get here entailed excusing my non attendance at a funeral.

Rearranging delivery of crash -bashed -now -fixed car, dogs, maths etc…it was all worth it. Lucky me to have a precious appointment so fast. It was 4 months ago it was booked. Speedy eh?

Kept bladder full as instructed. Always a bit of a nightmare in case it spontaneously erupts en route. .

After 5 phone calls and 3 texts all reminding me of my appointment I had great hopes of organisational greatness.

Even got a phone call this morning to check I was coming. Wow.

Even got a phone call as I boarded my expensive train down. Got a seat! It was all going SO well.

I was asked on this last call to please get there early as they were running ahead of time. Early? Wow.  Impressive.

Keep bladder full was the instruction.

OK I’ll get there as fast as the train takes me. I said. I hoped Bladder held out and not spontaneously erupt.

I arrived.

Receptionist could never be called ‘ Rottweiler ‘ more of a podgy unsmiling shaggy dog … a ….shaggy sheepdog pushing patients about looking disinterested.

He was having a lovely listen to something through his earphones. Tapping away to the ‘beats’ . I managed to get his attention. He took my letter. Thrust a form at me. I filled that in… ALLERGIC to contrast? Yes. Kidney issues? Yes ish…….Etc etc…down to pregnant? NO!

He was delighted and even smiled when I gave it back. Hah you haven’t filled in your name. He chortled.

Bet that gets him smiling every time.

So he went back to his beats and I wandered about til I encountered a poor bloke sitting looking vulnerable in his ‘ gaping gown’ not a stitch on other than that.

Must be the right place I mumbled. He was too embarrassed to reply.

Seconds later an official looking person hoiked him into a room called ‘ imaging‘ . Poor bloke getting his giblets zapped in his gaping-gown.

FFS isn’t there a better frigging gown invented yet?

I paced around a bit. Eventually a nice lady in blue came along.

If I said sheepishly you’d guess this was going to be the punchline.

She said my name. Yes.

She said she’d rung earlier to ask me to hurry there. Yes.

Bad news ….

 

THE effing bloody machine had broken down in the relatively short time since we had spoken.

So now what happens I asked meekly wondering if this could really be true . Maybe they just needed to go home early?

You will ‘ get a letter’ she said.

I turned tail. Left my stupid bladder diary stuff on the shaggy man’s desk. He was still tuning in to his music . I tried to find the toilets to empty the ‘ kept full bladder’ . But I dove for cover when I saw a consultant I know. Hid myself behind a pillar and avoided him. One of the men-in-the-boat.

Didn’t feel I could speak other than screaming.

So back on to the train. Frrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr…no seats…luggage rack again…. screeeeeaaammmmmmm

Imagine what it’s like to have operation cancelled ? as happens sometimes. Must be brain numbingly torture.