The Neuromodulation team assessment with psychologist and clinical nurse specialist was today.
It seems I’d got ‘ lost ‘ in their system hence the delay. Oh well. Typical Emkes scenario. I had sent an email to the  Baronwith a copy of my last urology letter. That suggested we needed to schedule and discuss the various options being mooted as a way forward in the ‘fix-Jacq’ schemeof things. That email set in train a ‘find J Emkes’ hunt. Seemingly the ‘system’ had lost the record of my consultation with The Baron way back in March and I was not on the ‘list’ for Neuromodulation. It cannot proceed without assessment and group workshops which are every Monday for four weeks. I am now on that list for September. Neuromodulation some time after that. That’s good because if I opt for urology intervention that’d be best first, they said. They also said it’d be good for urology and pain clinics to communicate on this. As if. 
It was gruelling but Dr K was great. The Specialist nurse though firing questions at me. Why didn’t I take higher doses of painkillers? Why did I have a boari flap operation twice or a ‘flap’ as she called it peering down her spectacles – ? I felt defensive and ended up doubting my desired outcome to reduce not increase painkillers. As for the boari flap etc it’s not as if I woke up one morning and thought’ I know’ I’ll ask a surgeon to chop me and my bladder up today… ‘ she challenged my use of diazapam ( occasionally and only on Doctors advice eg Professor Lang and his pain team. Dr Mehand his pain team. Baron and his team.  Ie not me randomly trying class A drugs. She also queried why I thought the drugs made me so dopey.  Said I could be on much higher levels. Could I drive I asked? Well no she said. Well I need to drive I said …so that I can go to work. I don’t want to be an ‘at home zombie’ . That’s why I’m doing this. I worked hard to get to this level of drugs remembering the migraine crazy days of too much too fast gabapentin. Was I sensitive she asked. Well trying not to sound rude I wasn’t before but now I am. I think she meant to drugs! 

Full of renewed self doubt. Was this all my fault after all? The brilliant Sue Peacock had out me out of that mind set. 
The Pschy was more gentle. How old are my four children. That’sa question I try to avoid and feign vagueness. Not happy with that she wanted exact ages. Aha so no the fact that the eldest two have the same age means they are NOT twins. So yes I have to explain all that again. Yes we brought up our HIV / AIDS orphaned NEPHEW. yes we were with his parents as they died or tried suicide. Yes we were at the death beds of other HIV victims. Yes we’ve encountered dying many times. Yes our nephew calls us mum and Dad and we are fiercely protective of him and very proud of ALL four.  No that does not make me an emotional wreck. He makes me feel lucky. I had the means to give up my accountancy career and bring up four awesome children.  That’s a far better world for me. Sod the career. Teaching cropped up when the kids were older … What has it taught me. We as a family know we can meet disasters and survive and even laugh again. We can do this. 

The nurse again…She queried my use of the local anaesthetic plasters…recommended by Dr Meh at MK.  …and so it went on. 

Started interrogation at 1:00 ended at 2:15 missed train home. 

Argh. But maybe they play ‘good cop bad cop’ to test the patient resolve to opt for Neuromodulation and not drugs or operations. Dunno. 
Hope all is well. Thank you for all your support.