5.00 am D alarm goes off. Check time, struggle to come to, check emails. Cup tea. Physio. 6.00 am Dogs fed watered and peed. Washing on. Fire grate cleared.

7.30 am arrive at school collect photocopying for lesson 2 forget to go to briefing despite email reminder and PowerPoint oops

8.00 am ‘Bad Boys’ maths. These are a group of boys who find it difficult to avoid irritating every teacher and student in whose class they appear. So as has become customary I take them out of class to give everyone a bit of respite. Boost the rest of the class’ grades and try to instill some maths into them. They are probably the craziest loveliest kids I teach. Take for example K. He has been to 11 (!) different schools excluded from most lessons. Oh and he will be doing GCSEs in a few weeks’ time. Mum chronically ill. Lives with grandpa. Dad is around somewhere. He is actually brilliant at maths. Anything I show him he does quickly accurately and with an eerie photographic memory. How unfair is that? Next year he says he will be a professional footballer. Well of course aren’t they all?

The group actually respond well to bribery…stickers they love…yes yes I know they are 16…but stickers on tie, forehead, shirt maybe even book ease the pain of maths. Tic-tac too. Then as long as we have chat sessions in between we get the work done. I get invited to all their Dads’ Indian restaurants. They assure me I will get the best curry in town and discounted too (there’s the maths for you). They tell me they spotted me in my ‘beamer’ they have remembered the reg plate too. They want to know the cost, hp terms (!) and part exchange possibilities…er I make it up.  Oh and I keep myself updated on the football scores to make sure I have banter at the ready. They are teaching me Arabic too: Insha’Allah

9:40 Next lesson starts. Maths for higher set. They are mainly girls. Really clever and rarely distracted. My jokes do not go down well and my enthusiastic award of an iPad lesson for them fell flat! Oh well at least they are keen. Excitement of yesterday was that some of my’ Bad Boys’ do seem to have possession of a sort of e-cigarette vaporizer type thingy. What it has in it I really don’t know. But I made sure it was banned from sight for me. Goodness knows what happened in the break because ‘bad boys’ decided to re-visit me in the clever kids’ lesson. Perhaps they were on route to English? mmm. They were certainly ‘happy’ and ‘on call’ visited to herd everyone into place. Got a tip off that one clever girl may have been ‘high’. Could I prove it? No! She seemed sweet as pie and working through linear equations. Spaced out or not I have a lot of time for her. I’ll tell you why: Her Dad in jail. Mum bringing up 6 children on her own? So I reckon I’d be a bit spaced out too.

11.05 report the vaporiser and ‘high’ children to head. Swap a bit of chat. Discuss Research plans after motivational day network day at Camb Saturday.

11.10 Meeting with Prinicipal. Tell him news, views, jokes and ideas. Told him about the NHS England bit…he roared with laughter…only you, Jacq, would make a job out of your health he chortled.  Hatched a plan to make some time for NHS out of school. Told him my AC/ BC catheter joke, he liked it.

11.40 sprint to car…well hobble…back playing up a bit…need a vaporiser I reckon.

12.00 Home. Quick turnaround throw bags to floor and collect dogs.

12.20 Seen by vet – early! Dog 2 has tumor. eek. Needs operation. Yikes. Better check insurance. Not to be confused with BUPA. Pet insurance seems to work seamlessly. Never seem to need to argue (dogs’) case. 13.17 I am by some miracle parked and on a train to St Pancras. No idea how I managed that. Grab a bottle of water off the trolley. Sit near 1st class (top tip you get free Wi-Fi there). Check emails. Check phone. Charge all. Notice I have two missed calls from Australia.

14.17 Arrive at St Pancras. Toilets in hotel upstairs. (Top tip best loos in town and free…just act confident as you stride / hobble through reception). Notice I have two more calls from Australia ….

15:05 Arrive at 101. This is an oasis of calm. Explain my arrival to receptionist. Ushered to sitting room waiting room. Check emails. Realise have forgotten assessments for sixth form. Dammit. Will do tonight.

15:08 Jerome to the rescue. Awesome speed, empathy, efficiency and humour. Aforementioned ‘msu’ hatched, matched, dispatched to aforementioned ‘lab’.  Then he told me about a dire morning briefing of his own. Levity and brevity. I will ask him to repeat…..this is what he sent me:

I liked the “hatched, matched and dispatched” for the MSU!

 

My phrase was in response to a truly dour presentation I had to endure earlier that morning. Just as it had got into what is normally the middle part, it ended, almost mid-sentence, with just a blank slide.

I texted a colleague to say:

 

“At least, what it lacked in levity it made up for with brevity”…

It sort of seemed funnier at the time!! ( Jerome)

 

15:20 tripping (literally) along the street….oopss eek argh.

15:35 Enter the Pizza Express secret entrance (no, that is not a top tip!) for the discrete consulting rooms of various ‘women and children’ …Work out that the sliding automatic door swirls round to hit you if you are not quick enough. Catch the eye of a nurse we giggle conspiratorially.

15:40 Giggling nurse calls for me to see AV. Still giggling as we arrive he takes stock and realises ‘Mad Jacq’ is in the house.

16:03 Leap aboard the tube stumble into St Pancras

16:29 make the last off peak train home. Manage a seat. Yay. Check emails. Check: What’s app. Group: ‘fish’ Osborne ‘budget’ my parents current status, all calm = phew . My children all great = phew. Group ‘titter’ are discussing we girls dream trip to see DJ in Dubai October. I am so up for that. Another  group:  ‘Prosecco Moments’, my name is Bolly on that one. VC who had her brain tumour removed last week is bravely hilariously chatting on there. (Three weeks ago we got her to see infamous GP, PW, through our toptips to overcome the receptionist!)  I promise her a quick visit on way home for jolly banter no medicalness allowed.

18:10 I am home. Dogs, washing, post, emails.

19:30 Phone rings…its Australia. Aha. Potential new job been headhunted for…I knew some details but had not prepared for HR type interview…eeek I hope I managed some sort of erudite sense. Brain frozen, as Jerome would say, I hope I mumbled my way through.

20:30 Check emails. Throw a soup and roll together. Chuck in antibiotics for pud. Pour down my best new drink, lime and soda….forgotten that one. No wine these days it just knocks me out. Tastes horrible with abx too.

21.30 Shower. Phone rings. Neighbours calling. Apparently I have a vagrant in my front garden. They have called the police. Throw my jeans etc back on and tentatively check the garden. Indeed some poor soul staggering around the front garden using the wall for support. Yikes hope aforementioned ‘beamer’ ok.   Police ring me. They are on the way. Daniel rings me. Neighbours had called him (he stays in London some weekdays). Am I ok? Oh yes. Check all is locked. All lights on. All radios tvs etc. Dunno why seemed like a good idea at the time.

2:50 am I’m suddenly awake. Lights all on radios TVs…what the hell…oh yes. Check garden. No- one there. I think. Decide for tea, email check, read book and stay dressed. Must’ve worked, by morning no sign of police no-one in garden…Only a black hat resting on my wall to remind me of events. Dogs slept through!

Jet lagged, must be the Australia theme,  that was Wednesday, now to start on Thursday…here we go now…. check emails…check missed calls….no teaching today…phew. …parents check, children check, ah those assessments check. …

The responses:

• AT says: What’s this about the “wine free” lifestyle? That’s a disaster! Clearly I need to remedy the situation by visiting with a bottle of fizz…Ever thought about calming down, taking up knitting, doing more reading etc…..?Lotsalove A
• DH: says What. A. Nightmare. What a great blog though. You really make the point, shall I send it “secretly” to Huge Pym? Let’s meet up, when can you do? Any time this week on for me. Xxxx
• CJC says: Holy cow! ( that was one of my father’s expressions because we lived in dairy farming area)
  My initial amazement is that the kids are at school at 8am!
  No seriously that sounds like a more than average day and I’m pleased that your life sounds quite tranquil for you!
  Stay sane Crazy lady and let me know when next in London with time for a catch up.
  Xxx
• MyDad: So you had a slack day!
  Think I’ll sleep on that.
  x
• LR: That wasn’t Peter in the front garden was it? Hahaha

Lxxxx

• MJP: Brilliant blog Jacq !.
  Crazy days for you. Here anytime you want a call.LM
• DGE: You are nuts!!

Dxx

• BM: Loved your crazy lady blog! Hysterical