5 February 2011

Following the introduction of new short haul flights from the premier lounge or ‘library’ it

would surely be sensible to introduce a long haul flight too. Sure enough….Flight 14 took off

on January 25th. All previous parallels with British Airways Club Class now took on the giddy

heights of First Class Plus on whatever airline is the very very best in the world.

Our ever lovely taxi man, Dick, took it upon himself to ask his wife to use his smart

Mercedes and drive me from home to London. Such a brilliant driver I even fell asleep. Just

as at Heathrow, we pulled up, she scuttled to the boot and as if by magic I floated from

reception to library to room. Porter carefully carrying baggage and nothing too much

trouble.

Operation was ‘tricky’ started at 2:00 and I eventually arrived in Critical Care Unit (CCU) at

about 7:00. CCU was probably the most luxurious experience on offer anywhere in the

world. Air bed, continual massage, every conceivable line, drain, tube and yes oxygen mask

attached. Personal nurse on hand or toe! Every minute of every hour of every long day.

Incredible experience.

With apologies to British Airways the brochure could really read:

Drift off to sleep: Should you decide you’re ready to sleep, you can slip into wonderfully soft

cotton pyjamas and request our Turndown Service at any time of the day. We’ll make up

your fully flat bed with a specially designed single–piece quilted mattress, crisp white

400–thread Egyptian cotton duvet and pillow to help you to drift off in comfort more

blissfully than ever.

Wake up refreshed: When it’s time to freshen up, you can use our range of well–being

products that only uses the finest natural ingredients. Products include e.g. eye gel, lip balm

and moisturiser.

48 hours in CCU then moved into my own room on the ward where again, fantastic bed, TV,

personalised menu, nursing, physiotherapy, fine dining and on and on.

A few setbacks, the unexpected infections, the surprise allergies and other hurdles to

overcome. As on a plane, however luxurious, whatever the class of travel, whatever the

seat configuration, it is still, a plane. That engine noise droning through your head. My

wonderful airbed had a motor; in CCU it just seemed a dull rumble through my opiate brain,

once on the ward it took on the sound of a trembling reverse gear. Earphones at the ready I

must have played my iPod ‘all songs’ A to Z every night!

Knickers. As before this became a bit of an issue! Indeed I was issued with those in- flight

paper knickers which mysteriously disappear once in ‘recovery’. In a desperate bid for

independence I texted Daniel asking him for ‘home supplies’. These he dutifully found, six

pairs in fact and popped them into a Tesco bag before leaping onto the next train. He

arrived at the hospital …alas NO knickers. Must have left them on the train. We had visions

of bomb squad blowing up a suspect package! Evening Standard headlines: ‘ Knick Knickers

Knicked’ .

Brilliant Brenda the most amazingly funny night nurse who found my allergic reaction to a

type of antibiotic so amusing she thought I looked like a tomato. Great Geraldine, Welsh

day nurse and practically perfect in every way. She helped hide me from the crazy physios

by wheeling me into the bathroom attached to all the drips, tubes and drains!

‘Matron’. Wow was she scary, checking each patient was ‘tickedy boo’ neat and tidy. I was

even admonished for not looking relaxed enough in CCU as the nurses struggled to change

bed and bath and inject in one swift manoeuvre amongst the spiders web of lines.

And the question is…now what? Well my shark- attack- type- scar, drain tap on my back and

bag strapped to my leg testify to the fact that this was an op and a half. I now have a newly

re-implanted ureter in my bladder. Poor kidney is dilated so another (fairly minor/short

haul!) operation number 15 on 8th Feb to insert two more stents.

Daniel and the children totally absolutely brilliant calm and patient. Most of our texts have

centred on pretend ski trips and the children admonishing me for not getting home.

‘One more grappa for you’ said one text.

‘You are so strict’ I replied

‘Well someone has to keep you on track – alright u can have two more grappa then a toffee

vodka then home missy’.

All so inane but lying on that noisy airbed it all made sense. We must ski again. We must

surf again. It’ll all happen again. Fun days ahead.

Reply from AT:

Brilliant as usual! However I’m very disappointed you didn’t mention the fact that the first

thing visitors saw when they sat down next to your bed was the pee bag!! There you are

reclining like some modern Caesar in your posh ten grand bed and hanging alongside is what

looks like a freezer bag filled with Sauternes!!